i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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