I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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