I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
