I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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