And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
