he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
God I need to hump something, right now.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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