I am spending my child support on dildos
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
