i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
