I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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