i jhust puked up my retainher.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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