I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
