I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
