We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
