mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
