You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
