if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
