I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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