She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
