Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
