Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
this boner is exhausting
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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