The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
