Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
