She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
