Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
