Cold hands, warm shart.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
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