peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
