What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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