My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Is Oprah even human
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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