what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
