My sheets look like a crime scene.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Vodka?
Forever.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize