I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I am one with the molecules
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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