Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
