with your own penis?
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Your penis caused this!
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