Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
He kissed a someone with a penis
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
