Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
