got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
