a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
We are all done wearing pants today
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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