I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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