since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Randomize
