Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
