I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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