So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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