If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
