I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
