yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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