A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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