Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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