I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
