so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
