Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
