I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
