Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Randomize
