No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
