I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
