We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
