I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize