You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
